Crush, Crumble...LIVE

 

I am exhausted, I feel weak and vulnerable. This past week, I’ve been crying and laughing at myself a lot. I am recovering from illness and the recovery feels a lot worse than the illness itself.

My perfectly maintained world fell apart. It is silly, how I always thought that I have this under control, that I have to keep running this - what an illusion to be caught in. To my astonishment, the world keeps turning without me getting involved. 

I am so behind on everything that I kind of stopped caring. What a relief to be slow, to be stopped by your own body. I spend so many hours, lying in my bed, my body feeling sooo heavy like it is seeping into the bed. And every morning I am stumped that rest did not help any, having to pick myself up over and over again. In the midst of this misery, I decided I’m going to enjoy this, to relish slow-pace life.

I found simple joy in cooking for myself, exploring new recipes and eating lots of fresh veggies and fruits. I got a few pomegranates - they are like the fruit of life to me. I spent maybe half an hour picking seeds out of a single fruit. The next day, I cut it horizontally, the different way that I’m used to and squeezed it hard like a lemon. The seeds were coming out really easily resting in a big pool of pomegranate juice.

At that moment, I realized that sometimes we need to be squeezed, pressed, broken down, layer by layer, to allow for the change. There is no other way around it. Fixed placements in our charts just need to be crushed like that sometimes to get deep enough so that the change can take root. With change comes the sacrifice, the blood that is shed. We need to give up something, let go of our old ways, to make room for the new.

As I'm approaching my solar return, I find myself in the midst of a meltdown. I had so many plans and many of them crumbled away. It seems like this year was learning about how NOT to do things. 

I often feel uneasy in this performance-driven culture and yet that is exactly how I was going about things in my life. Yes, Virgo can do - almost everything - as long as she has a plan, not to waste a single minute and not to enjoy a single moment without doing something useful at the same time - that’s the ideal.

Before this stress test came, I felt anxious, concerned about “where to go next”. I’ve been humbled by this experience. At this point, I have no idea where I’m going, everything is coming apart for me, seems like and weirdly there’s relief in that. The stillness, slowness of my body and mind, like I am dwelling behind the veil, in another universe. I don´t feel like myself - this is unknown territory. 

I’ve been drawn to rejuvenate my Venus altar, to adorn it with flowers from my balcony garden. I’ve been talking to Venus a lot lately…I hear the subtle calling of the ocean again, I’m having déjà vu of Piscean spring energy. It’s time for softness and vulnerability.

The final crunch of Saturn and Uranus square followed by south node solar eclipse in Scorpio. Our trigger points are being tested. Are we strong enough to withstand this pressure test? Are our structures life-proof or are they ready to be taken down? 

And even if we withstand all that there might come a sudden thrust into our vulnerable heart, feeling like our most sensitive spaces are revealed, our painful taboos are pried open for all to see, as we can no longer hold the lid on our dark undercurrents. 

So grateful for the gentleness of Jupiter coming back to its soft feminine home at the end of this month, to flush the hurt and pain away

Keep hope alive, keep dreaming.

Petra